Sponge and Robbers
by Brady Corduroy
Summary: A humorous lit that follows SpongeBob and Patrick becoming thieves.
1. Episode 1: Let's Do Something New!

**Episode** **1** **Let's Try Something New**

It was a beautiful sunny day in Jellyfish Fields, where SpongeBob Squarepants and his best friend

Patrick Star were trying to enjoy the day doing going Jelly fishing. I say trying because today just was one of those days where things just weren't seeming like the old times. No, these weren't feeling like the days where the two could waste entire days just cruising Jellyfish fields almost aimlessly. It just felt like the day was just being wasted entirely and not in a good way. SpongeBob wonders if Patrick feels the same way, so he decides to ask his buddy.

"Patrick, you having fun today?" He asked.

"I don't know. I enjoy doing pretty much nothing, but at the same time I would like to experience a new sort of euphoria."

SpongeBob was surprised Patrick was as efficient at using that word as he just demonstrated.

"I feel the same way. Let's just stop what we're doing and go give a new activity a shot."

The friends then threw up their jelly fishing nets that always seemed to disappear anyhow and prepared for a new adventure.

The two decided before going to a new adventure that they would get some snacks as one can't start a brand new adventure without some extra fuel. Entering the Bargain-Mart, the store was mostly empty, sans the store clerk and the two pals who were entering. The clerk looked like a high school aged student, but had a look on his face that practically yelled "I don't want to be here." SpongeBob brought in with him $7, Patrick bringing $3. SpongeBob planned on getting a chocolate bar and a soda, which together were about $6. Patrick just got a new belly button cleaner as it was overflowing with dandruff again. SpongeBob couldn't stand staring at that thing half the time. As they collected their items, they went up to the store clerk to pay. SpongeBob went up first.

"That'll be $6 please." The clerk asked.

Just then SpongeBob saw an offer on the chocolate bar in front of the counter: it said "2 bars for $5."

This would fit his budget as long as the sign wasn't a lie he believed, so he added it on.

"That'll be $8 please." The clerk said.

"But that's not what the sign says. It says 2 bars for $5. I want that deal." SpongeBob demanded.

The store clerk looked considerably annoyed at this point.

"Look these two bars are two completely different brands and if you had read that ad there closely, you would have seen where the deal only applies to that brand. So no."

SpongeBob wanted to stand his ground at this point, so he decided to keep the fight on.

"Well you should make that more obvious and since it was difficult to see I want the deal to apply in this case."

The clerk looked as if he was about to implode.

"There you go, now you're banned. Get out of the counter."

So in the end SpongeBob got nothing but a fistful of being pissed off. Not a great start to the new adventure. Patrick went up next.

"Hello, I'd like this belly button clean thing."

"Alright, $3.01 please." The clerk said.

Patrick realized he had no pennies in his pockets or even the dandruff land in his belly.

"I have $3, can we let the penny slide? I mean it's just a penny." Patrick asked.

The store clerk was unamused. "No. $3.01 or no belly button cleaner."

"Are you related to that sweaty old guy at the Krusty Krab? You two would be good friends." Patrick said, making himself laugh.

"Tubby, I want that penny or you get your pink, tubby ass out of here."

Patrick's face suddenly grew serious.

"Did you just call me Tubby?" The clerk nodded back.

Patrick's eyes soon grew blood red in anger. Nobody called him Tubby and got away with it. He then stood on top of the counter and hit the clerk in the back of the head, knocking him out instantly. SpongeBob was simply a stunned bystander to all this. Patrick then signaled to SpongeBob to get his items.

"We're just going to take these things without paying?" SpongeBob asked in a sort of disbelief. Patrick didn't even offer a response as he walked out the door, setting off the alarm. SpongeBob hurried out too, not wanting to be caught somehow someway.

That night SpongeBob was unable to control himself. He had to talk to Patrick about what they would do. As he left his quiet Pineapple house, it was already close to 10 PM. He knocked on Patrick's rock wondering how he was taking the incident from earlier.

"Hey buddy, how are you?" Patrick asked.

It was apparent in SpongeBob's appearance he was not taking it well. His eyes were red and sagging deeply, he had scratches on his arms from various itches and had sweated what could've been rivers through his clothes. He had the look of a meth addict almost.

"What's wrong SpongeBob?" Patrick asked.

"…I was…thinking about the thing from…earlier today." SpongeBob began. After a more seconds he said "… I want to do it again."

Patrick was surprised. "I just did because he called me Tubby, I don't want to hurt people any more."

This made Patrick begin to sob.

"No, not hurt people… Steal from people." Spongebob began. "I haven't such an adrenaline rush as I had earlier in years, maybe even decades. Give it some thought Pat, ok? Ok?"

Patrick nodded in approval. Patrick had a long night that night before giving SpongeBob his answer on a note he attached to the door in the morning.

"Ok, meet me at the shallow cave in Jellyfish Fields. We need a meeting."

And so began the start of the greatest crime duo in Bikini Bottom history.


	2. Episode 2: First Heist

**Episode 2: First Heist**

SpongeBob was traveling through the fields of Jellyfish Fields, interacting with pretty much nothing before reaching the giant rock in the far left of the fields. Inside the shallow cave, at the early hour of 6:45, was Patrick Star. He looked rather sternly at SpongeBob.

"So let's get started shall we?" Patrick said. SpongeBob nodded in accordance.

"I have two rules for this: Nobody gets hurt and we don't get caught ok? Any of these break and I'm out." Patrick beamed a deep stare at SpongeBob as he said this. "Are we clear?"

"Yes, I understand." SpongeBob replied. "No one gets hurt and we don't get caught. I can sign up on that." They then shook on it.

"Next we need to determine some formalities for this. I think this will be our de facto hideout." Patrick said.

"I agree. Secluded and well placed for criminal activity." SpongeBob explained.

"Next a greetings. It's imperative that we have a unique, but secretive, greeting." Patrick said. "Any suggestions?"

SpongeBob hadn't given it a thought. He'd been too preoccupied with actually wanting to thieve.

"Umm… Doodle greetings?" SpongeBob said rather meekly.

Patrick's blank stare told SpongeBob what he thought of that.

"… How about we come back to that later. Let's actually plan now."

This made SpongeBob excited finally.

"I have an idea for a place that very few people will care if we steal from." SpongeBob said. "Let's steal from the Chum Bucket!"

Patrick gave SpongeBob an intrigued look. "I like the idea. Let's do it."

And just like that, the two best friends began their life of crime that simply.

Thanks to the quickness of the meeting, SpongeBob still managed to be 20 minutes early for work at his job at the Krusty Krab, but he was still overly excited for the heist, which would happen later that night. His excitement was literally spilling on to the Krabby Patties when his employer, Mr. Krabs, walked in.

"Arggh, me boy! You're soilin' the cash cow, what's got ye britches today?" Mr. Krabs asked rather angrily.

"Sorry Mr. Krabs." SpongeBob said as he tried to wash off his sweat and tears from the Krabby Patties. "I'm just really excited for tonight!"

"What's tonight?" Mr. Krabs asked.

SpongeBob realized he made a bit of a mistake by mentioning that. He had to cover his tracks quickly.

"Ummm… Doodle-" SpongeBob began before stopping himself. "Why in the world would I say that right now?" SpongeBob said aloud without thinking about it. Turning back to reality, SpongeBob realized he sufficiently scared Mr. Krabs.

"Errr, git back to work boy! And keep your fluids off me money cow." Mr. Krabs instructed SpongeBob as he walked away.

SpongeBob felt relieved as he dodged a bullet. He went through the rest of the work day without anything else of note happen.

The moon was shining brightly on the metal bucket that was the Chum Bucket Restaurant, but the place appeared rather deserted. It was deep into the night, about 9:35 at night, when the two peculiar men went up to the restaurant. It was the two best friends, preparing to thieve the poor establishment.

"SpongeBob, why did we decide to thieve this place again?" Patrick asked.

"Because no one really cares about the Chum Bucket, and Plankton is bound to have some secretive thing he doesn't want to be stolen." SpongeBob said.

"You mean like the secret Chum recipe?" Patrick asked.

"Is that what they make there? I've never tried." SpongeBob said.

"No one has SpongeBob. No one has." Patrick replied.

They entered through the back window of the bucket, which had them into the bathroom of the Chum Bucket. They then traveled to the back room where Karen resided, but she was in sleep mode currently. They turned the place upside down searching for something interesting to steal.

"You find anything Patrick?" SpongeBob asked.

"Apparently Plankton likes to wear panties." Patrick said holding some miniscule sized pantaloons.

"… No, we don't need those." SpongeBob said with a disturbed look on his face. "Let's try a different room."

"How about this one that says Don't Enter?" Patrick said.

"Perfect! There's always a deep dark secret in a room that says Don't Enter!" SpongeBob said enthusiastically.

Unfortunately, this woke up Karen, who sounded the security alarm from her processors. Suddenly, she shut down as Patrick pulled the power cord.

"Too loud. Let's keep going." Patrick said.

Entering the room was a pathway to a piece of chum encased in a shiny glass container. It had the words "Original Chum" written on it.

"What's this? A piece of Chum?" SpongeBob said.

"Not just any chum…" said an unknown voice. "But the original chum!"

The voice then revealed itself to be Sheldon Plankton, the owner of the Chum Bucket. The two best friends were suddenly horrified to have been caught red handed.

"Mr. Plankton, we're so sorry! Please don't cut off our asses please!" The two wailed and cried in unison.

"Asses? Eww, I'm just glad you're here!" He said.

"Wait, you're not mad that we broke into the Chum Bucket?" SpongeBob asked.

"Mad? You're the first people to come in months! Anything for customers! Stay right there I'll give you free chum!" Plankton said as he hurried out to the kitchen.

SpongeBob then turned to Patrick and whispered something.

"What a loser. Now's our chance to steal this chum thing."

SpongeBob then took the glass casing off to reveal the chum freely. Plankton began walking back in and saw what was happening.

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING!? YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YPU HAVE JUST DONE!" Plankton yelled in exasperating fashion.

Suddenly the chum began sucking up everything in sight like a vacuum. SpongeBob and Patrick fought valiantly through it, while seeing Plankton being sucked in almost instantly. They ran out the bathroom window and didn't stop running until they reached home. The two friends said nothing until Patrick showed SpongeBob a piece of paper, it was apparently the recipe for the Original Chum. They then went to bed until the next morning.


	3. Episode 3: Tanning Lotion

**Episode 3: Tanning Lotion**

SpongeBob Squarepants met in their shallow rock cave hideout. They had sworn to each other not to talk about the events in the Chum Bucket from the night before and to just move on.

"Alright, let's not target establishments at least for a little while," SpongeBob said. "Let's just stick to people. Any ideas Patrick?"

"How about that squirrel girl that drives you nuts?" Patrick said after a moment of thinking.

SpongeBob looked deeply uncomfortable. "No…. uhh no," he said stutteringly. "How about we go after Larry?"

Patrick gave a face of disapproval. "Why him? He's pretty big."

"Well, he's such a bodybuilder guy. Maybe he's got some secret things to help bolster those muscles of his we could take." SpongeBob said.

"Alright, let's give it a try SpongeBob." Patrick said. "How about during you're lunch break at 12:30?"

"Ehh, we'd have to be quick. Mr. Krabs only gives me 10 minutes since I'm the only fry cook that actually works there." SpongeBob said. "But I like the challenge, so let's give it a shot."

It was 12:27 with SpongeBob working hard at his job at the Krusty Krab before he saw the time on the clock. With such little time to go his productivity grinded to a halt as he fumbled a jar of pickles on to the ground, smashing it to several different pieces. Mr. Krabs hustled in with as great of speed as his stubby legs would take him.

"Me boy, you're letting the money drip through floorboards! What are ye doing?" Mr. Krabs inquired.

"Sorry Mr. Krabs, I'm just not feeling like myself. I might need a longer break today if that's possible." SpongeBob said meekly.

Mr. Krabs' super sniffer whipped into action as smelled a fishy fishiness about SpongeBob and his story.

"For most people, I'd say no way. But ye the best employee I ever had, so I'll tell you what: I'll give ye 5 more minutes to make it a fifteen-minute break! That work well for ye SpongeBob?" Mr. Krabs said.

"Perfect!" SpongeBob said. "See you after my break Mr. Krabs!"

SpongeBob and Patrick met at Goo Lagoon to figure out a way to distract Larry from his Lifeguard station, which essentially worked as his house as well. He was on high alert at the moment… with the ladies. However he still very close to his station, so going in undetected was impossible. SpongeBob came up with a plan.

"Alright Patrick, we need a plan to distract him. What we'll do is bother little Timmy Monroe to make Larry come over here and allow us free entry into the station house." SpongeBob said.

"Smart. What are we going to do to Timmy? Take his toy away or something?" Patrick asked.

"Yeah, I throw his surf board into the deep edges." SpongeBob said. "And then as Larry comes by, we'll go in one by one."

They then fist pumped and put the plan into action. SpongeBob went up to Timmy and grabbed his surf board, while Patrick watched away from a distance. He then hurled it far as Timmy began to cry, where SpongeBob dived underwater and Patrick entered the station.

The station was to the friend's disappointment, mostly barren. Mostly bad boy band posters (Amoebas 2 Fish) Surfboards and other junk. It was mostly useless for someone who wasn't a surfer.

Then Patrick opened up a brown bottle of tanning lotion that said "Only the best for my #1 customer" on the front of it.

"What is that?" SpongeBob asked.

"It looks like tanning lotion, but I don't think it really is." Patrick said. "Maybe Larry's on some new experimental drug?"

"Odd in- PATRICK WHAT ARE YOU DOING!" SpongeBob yelled. "Don't just put that stuff on you!"

"Why not, it's not like anything else in here has been worth the break in." Patrick said.

Suddenly, Patrick's body frame became very muscular as he developed a six pack and became very tan.

"Whoa Patrick, I think you just took steroids or something!" SpongeBob said shocked. "But they never

work that fast! We gotta take all we can get of this stuff!"

SpongeBob and Patrick then raided all the drawers and cupboards to find all the bottles Larry had of this strange drug. They were only able to find 4 more bottles. SpongeBob then looked at his watch.

"Patrick we got to go! It's 12:40!" SpongeBob said.

Then headed towards the exit where Larry the Lobster stood in their path.

"So SpongeBob and Patrick? You're the "enforcers" sent to get me to pay up?" Larry said with a laugh.

SpongeBob and Patrick were sent shivering in their timbers, Patrick dropping a bottle in the process.

"Nooo, weeer'e thieves!" Both said. "We wanted money not drugs!"

Larry gave another laugh. "Well you chose the wrong guy to thieve. First you shamelessly injure a child to get into my room and then you just try to waltz out with my supply?" Larry pulled out a fist.

"That ain't happening boys!"

Patrick screamed in horror and stepped back on the bottle dropped earlier. It splatters right into Larry's eyes, who screams in horror as his eyes burn.

"DEAR NEPTUNE'S SHIT! I CAN'T SEE!" Larry yelled continuously in horror.

SpongeBob and Patrick then ran out the door with the few bottles left and kept running and running until Larry's screams were finally unable to be heard. SpongeBob gave Patrick the remaining bottles as SpongeBob hurried back to work. It was just turning to 12:45 when he returned to his station. Mr. Krabs was waiting on him.

"Good job me boy on being back in time!" Mr. Krabs said. "I feel more comfortable giving you some more power and leeway every now and then"

SpongeBob felt relieved to hear this as he went back to work.

"Nice tan by the way." Mr. Krabs said. "I didn't know one get that tan in 15 minutes! Ar Ar Ar Ar Gh!" As they both laughed it off.

And the day went on as usual.


	4. Episode 4: DEUUEAUGH! (Part 1)

**Episode 4: DEUUEAUGH! (Part 1)**

It'd been a few days since the incident with Larry, and SpongeBob and Patrick were quite bored now on a random Saturday night. They decided to meet in their cave to figure out what to do that night. When they got to the cave they met on their usual spots. SpongeBob was wearing his usual clothing along with a special Krusty Krab badge Mr. Krabs had given him with his name and address. (It was actually from a kid's toy but SpongeBob ignored that.) Patrick in his usual Hawaiian pants.

"So, I kind of feel like taking a break from thieving." Patrick said.

"I agree." SpongeBob said. "What do you think we should do?"

"Hmmm, there's this new movie on that interests me." Patrick said.

"What movie?" SpongeBob asked.

"It's called Revenge of the Hook 5." Patrick said. "It's about these kids who are staying the night at an abandoned camp and being hunted by a crazy captain with one hand and a hook."

"Why is it called the fifth one?" SpongeBob asked.

"Because it's the same kids for the fifth time." Patrick said as he began to rant. "I mean couldn't you figure it out after the third time already. But really, that's the best movie on unless you're interested in Mean Urchins 3."

"Alright, Revenge of the Hook 5 it is then!" SpongeBob said enthusiastically.

SpongeBob and Patrick arrived at the movie theater, where it wasn't populated really at all. There was a line of three people for food and the place looked on the whole almost abandoned. The two got into line behind a blue fish who looked rather familiar. As they moved up the line and it was the blue fish's turn, he became rather aggressive.

"Excuse me, but I get a 70% discount off everything as a permanent prime card member." He said. "Call the manager if you don't already know that!"

The cashier looked like a teenage girl fish, but she was rather frightened.

"O-O-K sire." She said. She then took 70% off which turned a $35 purchase into a $12 purchase. The blue fish then turned around and saw SpongeBob.

"DEUUEAUGH!" He screeched as he ran out of the movie theater.

SpongeBob and Patrick were extremely confused about what had just happened.

"Patrick, what was that all about?" SpongeBob asked. "I don't even know who that is."

Patrick quickly had an idea. "You don't remember that time you wouldn't bathe and you literally burned down this movie theater with your stink?"

SpongeBob then sat down to give it some thought

 **FLASHBACK (SpongeBob's Perspective)**

"Well one day I was at the movie theater." SpongeBob began telling Patrick. "I was getting a seat and people were leaving left and right to give me theirs due to my ugliness that day. I do remember this nice man telling me it wasn't a problem before running out and screaming in pain something garbled."

SpongeBob then realized it. "Oh, that was me who made him terrified by my ugliness that day."

"W-W-Well actually you caused a lot M-More then that." The counter waitress suddenly spoke up. "His name is Fred. As he ran out of the theater because you're stink, he slipped into a spill and broke his leg. He threatened to sue the theater if we didn't give in to his demands, and the truth is we're pretty low end as it is, so he gets 70% off food and free tickets." She finished.

SpongeBob and Patrick were stuck on those last two words.

"FREE TICKETS!?" The two shouted.

"Yep." She finished. "H-He has-s a card we swipe and he chooses any movie he wants to go to."

The two were shocked such a thing existed. SpongeBob then called Patrick over to a private huddle.

"Dude, we gotta steal this thing!" SpongeBob said to Patrick.

"Alright, I'm in!" Patrick said.

They then began a journey to Fred the Fish.

About 40 minutes after hearing about the greatest item worth stealing yet, the two made the run up past the town and into the driveway of Fred the Fish's house. Without giving it much thought, they tried to enter through the front door….. And it worked. Nobody seemed to be there, even though there was a car in the driveway. They searched frantically throughout the house for the card before realizing the possibility that Fred hadn't even made it home yet. They then decided to hide in the closet in Fred's bedroom for his return. Shortly thereafter, Fred did return home.

"Ah what a good day!" He said. "Now that I got that Movie popcorn I love so much, it's time to REV UP THOSE FRYERS…. For a good night of online video gaming!" Fred finished.

SpongeBob and Patrick mumbled to themselves about how much of a weirdo he was yelling this to himself.

"But first, gotta change out of my work clothes!" He yelled.

SpongeBob and Patrick quickly realized they were about to be caught if they didn't act quickly. They both leapt out to hide in new spots. SpongeBob climbed under the bed and placed a comforter blanket over himself.

Patrick…. Put a lamp shade over his head and pretended to be a lamp.

Fred walked in and changed very quickly. He then thought he might as well turn on his lamp.

"Ouch!" Patrick said as Fred tried to turn him on as a lamp.

"What the?" Fred said. "Lamps don't say ouch!"

"They don't talk at all!" Patrick said before realizing he broke character as a lamp.

Fred stared him down for a second, thinking deeply.

"Hmmm, I guess I need a new bulb for this darned thing." Fred said. "Third time this month! Also let me get that comforter from under the bed."

Fred pulled it out to reveal SpongeBob.

"What the Davy Jones you be doing in my house sir!" Fred yelled at SpongeBob.

"Ummm, nothing sir." SpongeBob began meekly.

"Well, you better get out right now, or I'll call the cops!" Fred continued. "Ypu can't just come into people's house's!"

Suddenly, Patrick slammed down on Fred!

"I knew you weren't a lamp dammit!" Fred yelled. "You're those kids from the movie theater!"

SpongeBob stood over him with his foot over his face as if prepared to stomp on his face.

"Give us the card or else!" SpongeBob said.

"NEVER!" Fred yelled back.

"Very well then." SpongeBob said. He then took off his shoe, and then his sock to reveal a nasty foot.

"FACE MY UGLINESS THEN!" SpongeBob said. DEUUEAUGH!

The scent reminded Fred of the days of his accident and the rehabilitation, and above all else, the awful smell that led to it all in the beginning.

"D-D-DEEEE-UU-AAAAAAAA-UGHHHHHHHHH!" Fred yelled as the smell forced him to pass out.

SpongeBob then put his sock and shoes back on. Patrick's face was blue from holding his breath in. The two then went downstairs and found the card on the dinner table. They then went back to the movie theater.

"For our free tickets." He said to the same counter girl from earlier.

"W-What!?" She said shocked. "You stole it from him!?"

SpongeBob wasn't actually prepared for anyone to ask him that so straightforward.

"W-W-Wel-l-l-l, not intend-ded too…" SpongeBob began mumbling off without a train of thought.

"Well normally, I'd be upset about that." She said. "But to be fair, he was a sea urchin of a jerk. So I won't say anything."

SpongeBob was relieved that he had dodged such a bullet. After they got their tickets for "Hook 5" the counter girl winked at SpongeBob.

"Oooh, you got a crusher SpongeBob!" Patrick said semi-gushingly.

SpongeBob just sighed back. "Let's just go finally enjoy this movie." SpongeBob said.

And all was well…

Or so it seemed.

About an hour later, Fred the fish awoke from his trauma induced sleep to find a room in utter disarray. His actual lamp was gone, his bed was a mess and his closet was strewn all over the place. He then went down the stairs to call the police. But first he decided to get a bite to eat. But before that he saw a card on the table. He prayed to King Neptune that it was his movie card. It wasn't.

"Dammit!" he yelled. "Why does all the bad *dolphin noise* happen to me!"

He then looked at the card. It was an ID. A badly created one at that by someone who was trying to spend as little on it as possible, but it worked nonetheless.

"SpongeBob Squarepants…. 124 Conch Street." He read. "I think…. I won't include the cops in this."

Fred then pulled out a kitchen knife.

"I think this is one for me to handle." He said as he brandished the knife. "Look out SpongeBob Squarepants! No one screws with Fred anymore!"

 **TO BE CONTINUED**


	5. Episode 5: DEUUEAUGH! (Part 2)

**Episode 5: DEUUEAUGH! (Part 2)**

The day after their surprisingly successful thievery of Fred the fish, SpongeBob Squarepants and Patrick Star were thinking of going back to the movie theaters. However after reading the other movies on the movies page decided that there was nothing really good on, they decided to have a sleep over in their little rock cave. SpongeBob came in Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy Pajamas while Patrick wore the same Hawaiian pants he's worn forever now.

"So Patrick, what should we do now?" SpongeBob asked.

Patrick shrugged his shoulders. "Beats me." Patrick said. "There's no pickles here for me to chug down like at most parties."

SpongeBob stared back disgustedly. This dull and stagnant conversation continued for about another hour before SpongeBob finally intervened.

"You know what, this is kind of boring." SpongeBob said. "You wanna just go back to my house and watch a Mermaid Man and Barnacles Boy marathon?"

"Yeah!" Patrick said enthusiastically.

As they returned back to SpongeBob's house, SpongeBob could have sworn he heard a noise from the bushes. After a quick moment, he concluded that there was nothing. As SpongeBob and Patrick entered the house, a strange figure emerged menacingly from the bushes.

"Ehahahahhahahaha!" The figured laughed to himself strangely.

About an hour and a half passed from when the two returned home. While watching episode 271 of Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy, a knock came from the front door.

"Patrick can you get that?" SpongeBob said. "I already went to the movie theater to get the cheap popcorn."

"Alright." Patrick said.

Patrick went up to the door and opened it. In front of him was the mysterious figure from earlier!

"AUGGGH!" Patrick screamed. "ARE YOU THE HASH SLINGING SLASHER?"

The figure laughed maniacally as he did earlier. "Hahaha!" He yelled. "No, it's me, Fred! Where's SPongBo-!"

"Sorry, we don't want any cookies." Patrick said.

"W-wh-what?" Fred said. "I didn't say anything about cookies!"

"You just did!" Patrick said as he slammed the door shut.

"Stupid door to door salesmen…" Patrick mumbled to himself as he went back to the show.

Fred was outside of the house, staring at the door in disbelief.

"What the Davy Jones' Locker was that!?" Fred yelled before slamming his hand on the door. He then heard Patrick stomping back towards the door, so Fred ran back again to his bush hiding spot.

About ten minutes passed before Fred regained his composure and thought of a new plan. He scaled the walls of the Pineapple house, which wasn't too hard considering that it was a pineapple. Sneaking into the house through the window, he landed in SpongeBob's bedroom. Upon landing, he immediately saw SpongeBob's pet snail, Gary.

"Sssh, boy." He said.

"MEOW!" Gary said over and over again.

"SHUT UP YOU DAMN SNAIL!" Fred yelled back.

The snail's yelling continued until Fred picked him up, and stuffed him inside the blow horn that was SpongeBob's alarm clock. But it was already too late for Fred as he heard both SpongeBob and Patrick running up the stairs.

"Fred!" SpongeBob yelled at him.

"Cookie salesman!" Patrick yelled at him.

"GARY!" SpongeBob yelled and ran towards Gary, but was quickly tackled by Fred.

The two then engaged in a fight. SpongeBob landed an uppercut on Fred's chin, but it did little damage because SpongeBob wasn't at all buff. Fred then tried to punch SpongeBob in the gut, but because he was an everyday fish who never fought in any other situation, he had horrible accuracy. And so the sissiest fight in Bikini Bottom history went on throughout the house. Patrick stayed back and pulled Gary out of the alarm clock rather than actually fight. Finally, the two ended up in the kitchen when Fred pinned down SpongeBob.

"Now you're gonna get it…." Fred began. "Ah crap, I forgot the kitchen knife I was going to use to kill you. Do you mind if I get one of yours quickly?"

"Not at all boy." SpongeBob said.

As Fred turned his back to go get the knife, SpongeBob kicked him from behind, knocking him to the floor.

"What do you want from me!?" SpongeBob yelled at his face.

"I want my movie card back!" Fred yelled back.

"Oh… well it was kind of lame honestly, so you can have it back if you'd like." SpongeBob said.

Fred was stunned.

"Oh, really?" Fred said. "Wow, I just assumed that it would be much harder than that. Thanks boy!"

"Sure." SpongeBob said. "Can we not speak of this ever again?"

"Absolutely not! You are totally going to jail for the rest of your life!" Fred said.

SpongeBob, still on top of him, then stuffed unsafe amounts of snail-po into Fred's mouth until he stopped talking. Patrick then walked down the stairs.

"SpongeBob what happened?" Patrick said.

"I had to defend myself." SpongeBob said. "It was for my safety."

Patrick then gave a weak nod to indicate things were ok.

The two then walked to the Shady Grove Graveyard and buried him in a shallow grave.

"Here lies a dead guy, and his hopes and dreams." Patrick read on the gravestone. "Sounds about right. Wanna go to a movie now?"

"Yeah sure." SpongeBob said. He wondered briefly if Patrick would ever discover the real reason for why Fred had to die. It surely wasn't safety, but want and need.

But for now all is well…

….Or was it?

Fred awakened somehow from eating unsafe amounts of snail-po in a shallow grave.

"What the?" Fred said. "When I get out of here, I'm go-" Fred began.

Suddenly mounds of dirt entered through fred's mouth as he was buried several feet below, and it cut off his oxygen. This time definitely killing him.

So yes, all is well.


	6. Episode 6: Deceptions

**Episode 6: Shiver me Timbers!**

It's been over a week now since the dispatching of the pesky Fred the Fish and no thieving had been done since. It had made the best friends slightly uncomfortable, especially Patrick. But finally they decided to meet in their cave one day to figure out what to do next.

"Well, I'm starting to feel a little uncomfortable with this now SpongeBob." Patrick began. "I don't like the path we're headed on."

SpongeBob merely scratched his chin as he heard this comment. "I don't see the concern Patrick. We got free movie tickets for life!"

"But we had to kill a fish to get them!" Patrick replied back in anger. "We agreed that no one got hurt!"

"But he almost hurt us Patrick!" SpongeBob replied back in anger. "He almost killed Gary!"

"So what's next!?" Patrick replied. "We'll steal the author's notepad because he's gonna write out our deaths!?"

"Nah, too fourth wall." SpongeBob replied.

This conversation could have gone on for hours and hours but suddenly SpongeBob's watch alarm went off.

"Oh darn it!" SpongeBob said. "I forgot I was supposed to meet with Grandma Squarepants today. Patrick, you should come to. It'll help you clear your mind."

"As long as I don't have to pay for anything, I'm game." Patrick said.

"Oh Patrick, you bottom feeder!" SpongeBob said.

The two ran all the way to Grandma Squarepants' house.

As they arrived, Grandma Squarepants was finishing up the touches on her latest painting. It was a beautiful mosaic painting of the crossing of the street by the chicken.

"Wow Grandma, what a beautiful painting!" SpongeBob said. "It's at least as good as some of the others." Patrick nodded as well.

Grandma Squarepants gave a light chuckle before replying. "Thank you boys! It's always good to have admirers!"

She then motioned them to enter the kitchen and sit down at the table.

"I made some of my famous, homemade cookies just for you two!" Grandma Squarepants said. Just then, the phone rang.

"You two enjoy your cookies, I'll be right back." Grandma Squarepants said. "I need to take this call."

While the two boys were able to enjoy the cookies for the most part, they were occasionally interrupted by off-putting yelling in the background.

"Is that your Grandma, SpongeBob?" Patrick asked.

SpongeBob began to laugh hysterically. "No way Patrick!" SpongeBob said. "My grandma never yells, even if she tried."

"… And if you and you're lily livered scoundrels you call "Loan collectors" ever call this number again, you won't see the sun ever again!"

SpongeBob gulped down an uncomfortable sigh as he realized that was his Grandmother. She then walked in with a calm, happy smile on her face.

"Now, while I love having you two boys over almost always, I have some…. "Business" to take care of." Grandma Squarepants began. "I'm going to need you two to go now."

SpongeBob still had some cookies left over. "Grandma, can I take these leftover cookies home with me?"

Grandma Squarepants gave a nefarious chuckle. "Oh SpongeBob, you know that these cookies never leave my house. EVER! I mean, if that Krab at the restaurant got ahold of them, he'd make ship loads of money more off of my own recipes!" Grandma Squarepants was starting to ramble at this point.

"But it's Saturday, and I don't go back to work until Monday." SpongeBob said entirely unconvinced. "He won't get them."

Grandma Squarepants' eyes turned blood red now. "I SAID NO! NOW LEAVE!" She hissed at the boys as they scrambled out the door.

The situation bothered SpongeBob the whole night, and he just couldn't sleep. Grandma had always been like that with her cookies, but why? And who was she talking like a gangbuster to on the phone earlier that day. He turned from the side of his bed towards Gary the snail.

"What do you think GarBear?" SpongeBob asked.

"Meow." He replied.

"You think Grandma is in debt? But she's never had to borrow money." SpongeBob said.

"Meow!" Gary replied.

"I agree that this painting hobby of hers is a little odd." SpongeBob said. "I think I need Patrick to help me out."

SpongeBob then walked up to Patrick's rock. Patrick looked wide awake as well.

"Are you thinking what I'm thinking?" Patrick asked.

"About Grandma Squarepants?" SpongeBob said.

Patrick nodded.

"Suit up." SpongeBob replied with a wink. "We're going in."

As the two approached the little cottage house of Grandma Squarepants, they looked around for anything suspicious. Nothing seemed out of the ordinary, so they stepped in through the surprisingly unlocked back door. The two then sat down on the sofa's in the living room to talk things over.

"So, how many of these paintings are we going to take?" Patrick said. "I think between the two of us, we could fit 6 or 7 of them."

SpongeBob looked at him dumbfounded.

"What? No, No, we came to steal the cookie recipe!" SpongeBob said.

"We'll get that too, but imagine the money people would pay for these paintings."

Suddenly, a net rose up from above and captured the two like a fisherman's prize. Then walking down the stairs, in a dark leather jacket, was Grandma Squarepants!

"Who entered my trap!?" She asked in a heinous voice.

The two shook rapidly inside of the net, nearly breaking the folds but not nearly enough. Grandma then finally got a good look at the two trespassers.

"SpongeBob and Pink Friend!" She said shocked. "You two are the collectors from the loaning company!?"

Patrick then spoke up despite his deep, obvious terror.

"No, we just wanted to steal the cookie recipe since you were so crazy about it earlier and we wanted more."

She then cut down the nets. She then snapped her fingers as if in a musical movie for a moment before speaking.

"You see these paintings boys?" she asked. They tepidly nodded, still terrified to the core.

"These paintings are just a passageway for the seaweed ring, of which I am the leader of!" She cackled in excitement.

The boys couldn't believe this. Grandma Squarepants…. Was a drug lord!? SpongeBob suddenly fainted on top of Patrick.

"Ummm, we won't say anything Grandma, just let us go home now." Patrick asked.

She then brandished a knife. "Never!"

She then attempted to attack Patrick, but his weight mass created a barrier against the knife and allowed him to truly strike first. He accidently lost his balance and fell on top of her, which worked equally well. Patrick then took the recipe and threw all the paintings in the ocean, while leaving Grandma Squarepants to suffer in defeat.

When SpongeBob Squarepants awoke, he could faintly smell the aroma of Grandma Squarepants' famous homemade cookies, but he was back in his house. He then saw Patrick behind the oven making it.

No like behind the oven, so he couldn't open the door.

"Patrick!" SpongeBob said. "How did you do that?"

Patrick shrugged as the oven timer dinged. The cookies were a little soggy, but they definitely tasted like the originals overall.

"So, we could do this all the time thanks to the recipe?" SpongeBob said. Patrick nodded. SpongeBob looked deeply excited as the two ate up the cookies. Then SpongeBob remembered something.

"Say, you didn't hurt Grandma too bad right?" SpongeBob asked.

"Nah, she's alright."

 **Meanwhile in an unknown location…..**

"Mama Squarepants, when we went to your house, the painting were all gone!" the white shark said to a handcuffed Grandma Squarepants. "Where in Davy Jones' Locker are they?"

"I-I Don't Know-" she said meekly. The shark then slapped her.

"You got no right to be in the club." The shark said as he tore off her Leather Jacket and ate it. "Boys. Take her to the plank!"

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO" Grandma Squarepants yelled as two smaller, arrowhead sharks dragged her away.


End file.
